Veronica Ponce Photography & Design

What I Learned in 2008

The first day of a New Year is such a unique time. Along with our expectancies and hopes for the upcoming 365 days, there are realizations from the past that are impossible to ignore. For me the greatest surprise of 2008 was discovering that I NEED all the women I have in my life...my friends, my sister, my sister-in-laws and my cousins...all of these precious women are an essential part of my existence and my life could never be the same without them. I've always known I loved these girls but I never realized how much I depend on them and it has been a thrilling discovery. So, it is to them, these beautiful women of all shapes, sizes, ages and cultures that I want to say "thank you" from the bottom of my heart. I am so excited to see what 2009 has in store for us. Here's a little recap...

Through the years, we have gained and lost many pounds and many people. We have worked out together and worked things out together and even seen and let things fall apart together. We have cut and colored countless hairs together; shared makeup, clothes, ambitions, dreams, disappointments, tears and smiles. We bore burdens and children. We have had painful periods and periods of painfulness. We've lent money and shoulders. We have closed our eyes and opened our hearts and closed our mouths and opened our ears. We have laughed and danced and AIMed, IMd, chatted and texted...sometimes all at the same time. 

We have seen changes in the earth, in our worlds and in our bodies. We have fallen in and out of love with our boyfriends and husbands and we have learned together that the only really unconditional love we have is the one that God gives us and we give our kids. We have learned the hard way that people do come and go and that love does change and grow. We have been humanized, criticized, humbled and overwhelmed. We have made big mistakes and small mistakes and we have been loved despite ourselves. We have learned to love through the anger, scream through the frustration, and apologize from the heart. We have supported each other and been disappointed in each other. We've drifted apart but we always come back. We have been frustrated, angry, bitter and moody and we have been happy, excited, joyful and beautiful. We've been patient and desperate. We've made wrong choices for the right reasons, and right choices for the wrong reasons, and bad choices for no reason. We've been right and wrong. We've been good and we've been bad. We've been hurt and we've hurt others and we've even hurt each other. We have seen new lines forming on our faces where pimples used to be and we have realized that underneath all our hair dye and keratin there are gray hairs looming.

We have watched each other's children be born -- literally -- and then blinked one day and found that the first babies are now teenagers and the last babies seem a lot easier than the first ones did. We have had sick kids and healthy kids and happy kids and angry kids. We have been in hospital rooms and waiting rooms and fitting rooms and iChat rooms. We have watched our children evolve and we wonder together if we are doing and have done everything we can because we are somehow sure that it is never enough -- that "we" are never enough. We are hard on ourselves and on each other. And we have suddenly discovered exactly how our mothers loved us and we have realized that our mothers were women, too and that maybe they really did have a clue and understood more than we gave them credit for -- but we're not quite ready to admit it to them yet.

We have prayed together and sinned together. We have lied together, to each other and for each other. We have made big deals about little things and little deals about big things. We have been passionate and purposeful and remorseful. We have been selfish and selfless and have uncovered, discovered and recovered pieces of ourselves along the way. We have been attached and detached and we have held on and let go. We have fallen and gotten back up and fallen and gotten back up and fallen...and then picked each other up.

We have reprimanded, encouraged and listened tirelessly to each other's stories about kids, husbands, boyfriends, marriage, divorce, sex, pregnancy, jobs, pets, parents and money. We have downloaded songs, lyrics, scriptures and quotes and we have uploaded photos, videos and scrapbook pages. We've taken tons of pictures with tons of cameras of the same exact thing --- but from different angles. We're gadget geeks driven by our love for anything that starts with a little "i" in front. We've documented and preserved our friendship and our memories and we even Facebook-by-proxy because that's just what friends do. 

We have texted each other even when we could just pick up the phone to talk, and we have picked up the phone to talk even when we were so tired our eyes were stinging. We have harassed, hounded and stalked each other. We have disappeared and reappeared, excused and explained. We have sat in our car charging our phone in the middle of the night because our friends needed us and there was no charger in the house. We have left our comfort zones and stepped in to the fire with each other and we have taken the heat for it in so many ways. We have instigated and investigated. We have walked in each other's shoes and carried each other's loads -- not because we had extraordinary abilities or opportunities, but just because we wanted to. We have stayed up way past our bedtime and woken up at all hours of the night and morning for each other, we have gone out to dinner and stayed in to talk. We have stayed up all night and we have woken each other up. We have shown up at each other's houses with cake and wine and we have watched movies and read books just to understand each other's perspectives and have even more to talk about.

We have argued and disagreed and kissed and made up. We have been critical and cynical and yet oddly compassionate and complacent. We have surprised each other and disguised ourselves. We have failed and succeeded. We have discovered our weaknesses and forgotten our strengths and reminded each other of both along the way. We have driven around the block over and over again and realized that at heart we're all still teenage girls when it comes to boys and that it doesn't really make sense --- but it somehow does. We have lifted each other up and pushed each other down. We have agreed to disagree and love each other anyway and listen -- to the point of exhaustion. We have made sensible choices and senseless mistakes and been able to explain both in the same breath. We have laughed inappropriately and cried inexplicably and never had to explain either.

We have spent time together and we have spent money together. We have read each other's emails and sent them anyway. We have all seen each other through different eyes and learned different things about our personalities that we didn't know before. We have learned secrets, and kept most of them. We have gone to birthday parties, and slumber parties, and grown up parties and pity parties. We have caught each other in lies and lied about knowing just to not make each other feel bad. We have called each other's bluffs and let go of the little things to make room for the big things that really need our attention more. We've watched money, people, pounds and excuses come and go. We've justified ourselves and each other even when we didn't believe it, and we've turned a blind eye temporarily and then opened each other's eyes when it was too unbearable to ignore. We have traveled together on physical and spiritual journeys and sometimes we have just sat together and eaten or starved our cares away.

One day things will change. We will all start to lose each other, our parents and maybe even our children. We will have new things to cry about and new obstacles to overcome. We will feel pain that is unfathomable today and we will need each other even more than we imagine is possible. But somehow as life's changes take us down these unseen metamorphosis, I know there is one constant...our love for each other. It is stronger than anything that threatens us and it is rooted in our deep convictions, principles and faith. My girls... we didn't find each other by chance, we didn't stumble into each other's lives by coincidence. God gave us this irrefutable connection and irreplaceable bond. It is strong enough to sustain us in our temporal state and I have no doubt it will follow us to eternity. Thank you for being my shoulders and ears, for supporting me, encouraging me and loving me. Thank you for your strong words and your soft words and thank you for your silence. Some things don't need to be said but this does. I love you. I pray for you. But most of all, I am thankful for you. 

~ V

Simplify

Have you ever had a day where you were overcome with emotion for no apparent reason? Have you ever looked at a situation that has been in front of you all along and suddenly had a different perspective?

Today is that day for me.

I had a poignant moment this morning that both excited and frightened me. Like many women, I place very high standards on myself in all my capacities. I stretch myself so thin sometimes and I multitask to the point of exhaustion. My brain is constantly fumbling through ideas and plans. At that point I find that I am weary, tired and overly emotional and the ultimate brunt of that inevitable frustration falls on the most innocent people of all -- my children. Today the guilt of those moments invaded my thoughts in an a painful way.

It's hard to admit this but I do so willingly because I know I'm not the only one that goes through this. Yesterday one of my best friends told me she had been struggling with this very thing and through her Bible study learned that when we grumble or complain about our lives we are actually complaining about the gifts that God gave us. Instead of taking it out on others (namely our children) we need to take our frustration to God and ask Him to help us through it. This is so true. We end up complaining to people about our lives and situations and they (because they are human and often feel the same way) encourage us because they can relate. But they are not the bearers of these gifts and they cannot change our circumstances. In fact, even when we take it to God He may not change them either. But He can, and will, change the way we deal or look at things. He can carry us through. In fact, He wants to.

I have many gifts and many blessings. But too many times my view of this truth is obliterated by the daily grind and the cumbrous battles of life. I want to be transparent before my children but the grown up in me is too tired to try so I hide behind irrelevant moments and exaggerated justifications that make it okay to be angry. I am learning every day that sometimes you have to say "no" to other people and those who matter will understand. I have such a hard time doing this because I want to be all things to all people. Maybe I'm co-dependent...in fact, I'm pretty sure I am. I have to soften the pressure on myself. I have to remember who I'm living for. And most importantly, I have to prioritize. Time management is not always my forté. Just because I keep busy doesn't mean I'm getting things done.

Maybe this is you. Maybe you are reading this and you do the same thing. If you are a woman and you have small children, I am sure you have felt the same frustration and anxiety more than once. If you haven't, be prepared because you will. When everything is peachy keen we can be like a Stepford Wife. But when life gets hard, or busy or complicated we quickly lose sight of the big picture. We get angry and frustrated with other people and situations and we lash out at our kids because...well, frankly we do it because we can. It's not right. It's not fair. But it happens more often than many of us care to admit.

So today I want to challenge myself to recognize those moments and see them for what they are. I cannot place the weight of life on them. They will have their own struggles, they do not need to carry mine. It is not their fault if I'm having a hard day and I shouldn't make them a part of it because the more frustrated I feel or get, the more damage I cause. They are malleable beings and although I am not the only influence in their shape, I am probably the most important one with the greatest impact. In this transient earth we have the ability to impact and affect so many lives but beyond a shadow of a doubt, our effect on our children's eternal existence is the most important and should always take front and center stage.

I cannot be a perfect mom. I cannot be a perfect person. But at the very least I can recognize, learn and try to improve upon those imperfections that make me human. This is a daily lesson for me and when I forget it (because I will) I hope that I can be reminded.

The Winds of Change

In everyone's life there are inevitable changes. The more time passes, the more we realize how true this is. I have said this before but every day I feel stronger that our planning is sometimes pointless. Every relationship in your life will undergo some kind of evolution. Every situation you encounter will transform itself into its ultimate truth.

So what do we do? We wake up each morning, determined to live life as normal as possible. We go about our routines, deal with the same people, and ultimately end up believing that we are justified in everything we do because at the end of the day, our world really does revolve around us. Or does it?

How do we control the outcome of situations that seem so out of our grasp? Is there any way to really "get a grip?" Each day we will meet new people, be presented with new situations/opportunities...and ultimately we will go to bed at night justified in our futile deeds...believing that somehow our circumstance is different from everyone else's. But when you lay your head on the pillow at night -- do you really believe that? Do you really think that somehow you have complete control over anything?

For so many years of my life, I did. I thought that I was the ultimate decision-maker and that every outcome was controllable. I believed that everything was a direct consequence of some previous choice that I made and that I could determine the end result in any given situation.

But oh what a lesson I've learned. What I think or do doesn't really matter most of the time. People react in individual bubbles to individual circumstances at individual times for individual outcomes. So what I do can only affect me. Ultimately this is probably the only way to operate. We live to serve God. I really do believe that. Yet I fail at it almost everyday. Why?

Why do I believe that I can make a difference or that I am even different for that matter? Yes, I am unique. Yes, God made me for a reason. Yes, I believe His plan will ultimately succeed no matter what I do, think, say or feel. But just like you, I wake up each morning thinking that in some way I can control or change reality. And in little everyday ways, I do.

Yet, there is an unmistakable truth about the evolution of relationships. Every single one of them. Be it a parent/child, husband/wife, friend/friend or any extension of any of these. Each person you encounter will draw his or her own conclusions and make his or her own choices no matter what you tell them or advise them or teach them. We live individual moments and although we know there is one ultimate truth, we struggle with the reality of our sin and our humanity in the simple tasks of our monotonous days.

I don't care how much money you have or how exciting your life is. If you have come face to face with another human being, you have been a part of the inevitable transition of the world and in some way, the transitions are shaping you. You will ultimately become who you are supposed to be even if the process is painful and rooted in the very things you most despise. It doesn't matter.

With today's growing fears about the economy, politics, religion and God knows what else...we are all just seedlings in creation's ultimate finality. And what that means is as illusive to you as it is to me.

We will be born. We will grow up in different families. Many of us will fall in (and even out) of love. We will procreate. We will go about our days with an inconclusive and unfulfilled desire to be different. We will somehow believe that we are different. We will love, we will lose, we will cry, we will laugh, and we will fool ourselves into believing that we have control. But any control that we hold on to will only serve to further separate us from our Creator who, ultimately, wants to live in us and mold our lives according to His plan. It is this constant struggle within our being that forms the basis for our choices. When your spirit guides you one way, your soul another, and your flesh another...which way do you turn? What voice do you listen to?

I have been such a control freak for so long. But I have learned, in such a painful way, that we are all vulnerable to our humanity. Our pain is not unique, our situations aren't unique, so throwing a pity party will only get you so far. Depression, sadness, anger, hurt, frustration and even love are all emotions that have been experienced by generations before us. There is no unique moment...it has all been lived before. The sooner we recognize this, the easier life becomes.

Dealing with emotions is one of the hardest challenges we will face on this earth because our hearts and our flesh will constantly seek to damage and essentially destroy the beings we were created to be. But listen to me...don't let it happen. Fight the changes. It won't be easy. You will struggle and you will fail and you will try to pick yourself up again time and time again. But relish those moments. Take them for what they are-- learning experiences. Each step in this seemingly endless walk will take you one step closer to your ultimate reality which is to live alongside, and experience the ultimate thrill, of being in the presence of God.

I do not claim or boast about any intricate knowledge of the divine. I simply use my resources as a guide. In the past few years I have seen such an evolution within the very relationships I value, that I cannot help but wonder how much control I even have in all of this? There comes a point in your life where you tend to think that life begins "today." But that "today" will keep getting pushed further and further away to the point where you won't remember where it begins and how you got there.

It is unmistakable and it is the most human thing about us. Losing control...it's not always a bad thing. Allow yourself to feel things. Delight in your experiences. Rely on God...even when temptation overcomes you and you feel the shadow of sin looming...don't let go. Let God take you through. Love unconditionally. Give all you can to everyone you encounter so that when you are gone, each life you have crossed paths with will have a semblance of you. Remember that each person that passes through will remember you in some way so make sure you present yourself honestly and realistically. Be beautiful. Be ugly. Be true. Fight for the light within you and hold it firmly in front. Let it guide you and if/when you detour...don't waver. Come back to the original plan and surround yourself by people who understand this. Your choices may not change the world and they may not even change your life. But they are yours and no one, no matter what they do or don't do, think or don't think, say or don't say... will ever be able to make those choices for you. It is your life and your experience.

We only get one chance, my friends. That's it. So live fully and dive into every experience. Put your heart on the line because even if it breaks, it's worth it. Am I speaking with some divine knowledge or experience? Probably not. But I have learned in a very short time and in a very hard way, that your feelings, heart, or emotions will deceive you and lead you down very self-centered paths but your devotion to God is what will make you thrive and grow, even in those moments when you feel you have let Him down or that you are not worthy or that you somehow have to "hide" yourself because you aren't "feeling" it with Him. Don't worry. He already knows that.

Believe me...you will fail...many times -- especially when you let your heart guide you. Struggle and fight for the ultimate truth. It exists. And when you go through those dark periods...when you wallow in self-pity...seek those beacons of light that are drawing your attention. Try your hardest to run from the shadows that threaten to overtake you. But if you don't -- if you end up giving in -- don't despair. Don't lose hope. The absence of your hope does not eliminate its existence.

In simple terms...love with all your heart. Do as as Jesus commanded. If you are lucky and you find a partner -- that's great. Cherish it. Give it your all so that if one day the other lets you down you can live with no regrets knowing that you could not have changed the ultimate circumstance. It will happen reciprocally -- but be strong in your doubts. Allow yourself to feel things thoroughly and freely so that you can learn patience, empathy and compassion. These are life lessons that most people must experience to fully understand. Perhaps the greatest lesson of all is forgiveness. That doesn't mean reconciliation but it does mean to let go of the anger/sadness/or hate that pervasively dominate your psyche. Lean on love. Delight in it. It is a gift that is sometimes taken away much too early. But its absence doesn't diminish its power.

Every relationship will change.

Some will grow...some will stagnate.

But they all exist for a reason so pray to God that you find clarity and enlightenment and that you learn to love and to GIVE love as if every day were your wedding day so that if the other lover fails you, you can walk away strong and proud that you served your cause well. You will be rewarded in the long run. The intricacies of life may overcome you...you may feel that you are a failure but fret not. God knows what you're going through and He will get you through it...just sometimes not in the way that you think or hope. Be open to change. Be receptive to new people and relationships. Hold on to your inner core and develop your God-given gifts. Through the pain of life, you will find your way but you must learn patience and perseverance and to have a calm spirit.

I am still learning this so I am far from preaching the perfection of this philosophy. But even when I cannot see it. Even when I cannot feel it. Even when I have strayed or broken it... I believe it and I hope you do, too.

The Plans We Make...

Engagements and weddings always make me nostalgic and melancholic. I look at young couples with these beautiful bright plans ahead of them and I wish they could foresee the twists and turns that their road together will take. Everyone will say they know this to be true, but like all things in life, it is not until we have walked along those roads that we can really feel or understand how harsh and unexpected or difficult life can turn out to be.

When we first get engaged, or married, or pregnant, or become parents, we somehow believe that our lives will be different than everyone else's and that we will prove everyone wrong by how perfect and "right" we are going to do things. Well, maybe not everyone believes this. But many of us go into these beginning stages of life with fantastical idealisms that, when they fall short of our expectations, leave us feeling empty and bewildered. There is no need for that. Life is not what we want it to be. It just is what it is.

There comes a point where we all realize that no matter how well we think out our actions, plan our futures or decide our destinies, life doesn't always cooperate. If any of you remember the movie "City of Angels" you might remember a particular scene in which Meg Ryan begins to question her role in any of the medical procedures she performs after a patient dies on her operating table. In the movie, her character (Maggie) says, "And after all this time, and after all this work...I suddenly have this feeling that......none of this is in my hands. Nothing. And if it isn't...what do I do with that?" She is speaking with Nicolas Cage's character, Seth, and she tells him, "I couldn't fix him and I did everything right." She begins to wonder if there is a greater force out there steering life and death away from her skilled surgeon's hands. And she begins to feel that somehow in the end, no matter what she does right or wrong, the ultimate decider of life and death is not her. I love that because it's true.

That may just be dialogue in a movie but it is pretty fitting, wouldn't you say? In life, our plans don't mean nearly as much as we think they do. We can't plan for everything, even though we think we can. We pat ourselves on the back when we make "right" decisions and we are ignorantly confident in our finite abilities. But the truth is, things will always happen the way they're supposed to happen no matter what we do or don't do. That doesn't mean that we should sit back idly and wait for things to fall in our lap. I am not suggesting that. We should still pursue our dreams and plan our futures and make our decisions. The bigger picture, however, is that if we try to pursue and accomplish these things on our own, we are more likely to be discouraged when things don't turn out according to our plans. The truth is, our plans and decisions are just our aversions to the things we fear or dislike for our future. But we never really have full control because there are biological, physiological, spiritual and chemical elements that all play a part in every aspect of existence. Before you give yourself too much credit, or come down too hard on yourself, remember Elizabeth Barrett Browning's famous words, "God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame."

Every situation we encounter is in some way a gift from God. It may not seem like it at the time and if we are not keenly in tune with this principle, we may never realize it and the greater picture may pass us by. Like a swift wind or a sudden surge of adrenaline and emotion that escapes any reason or understanding we can be overwhelmed or bombarded by reality in the blink of an eye when we least expect it. We can succumb to misery, pity and depression if we believe that somehow life has been unfair to us despite our careful planning and deliberate decision-making skills. Too often we fail to understand that there is joy in everything and if we are deliberate in seeking it out, but more importantly, in believing this principle, we will experience the same situations but see them from a different perspective. I am not saying this of my own self-centered accord or from some twisted idealism that I have concocted. This comes straight from God's word. Specifically, it can be found in James 1:2-12 which states:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position. But the one who is rich should take pride in his low position, because he will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will fade away even while he goes about his business. Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

This may sound like simplistic theology but in truth it is about the most complicated reality to adhere to in the Christian walk. All too often we succumb to trials as if they were persecutions and we mope about our days believing that somehow we are victims of our circumstances and that we don't "deserve" the things that come to us. But we aren't victims and we don't "deserve" anything -- good or bad. Trials and struggles are also gifts even if we don't think so when we're experiencing them. Yes, some things are true whether or not we believe them. But the world will tell us that it is unfair and we need to seek our happiness and not be martyrs to our surroundings. And that sounds good to us. So often in our most vulnerable state we grab hold of this perverted, distorted and internalized philosophy because it makes us feel justified in our misery. But do not be fooled. When you are most troubled and struggling, that is when God's presence is most strongly felt. "The more we depend on God, the more dependable we find He is" (Cliff Richard). There is no ignorance or shame in sticking with this positive outlook.

It is important that when we are going through any beginning, or metamorphosis, or ending...that we hold fast to God's word. You will find judgment from others, you will encounter persecution and criticism from those around you who may not understand your peace and consider it to be apathy or denial, but remain steadfast and convicted. Don't be ashamed to feel okay or to get better. Don't look so far into the future for the resolution, stick to the present. Live in the moment and experience every opportunity to see God's hand triumph. Because He is there. He always is. Even when we may not want to. Even when we may not feel it in our hearts. God's love doesn't need our approval to be present. It just is. It is potent enough to battle your biggest demons and to carry you through your darkest hours. It holds your hand when you need to be pulled along to make it through the storm, and it holds you up when you are falling. And it will do so each and every time you just have to recognize it. It's not a matter of belief. Some things are true whether or not we believe them. It's a matter of recognizing this truth for what it is. And that is what joy really is. In the end...it has nothing to do with our plans and everything to do with our perspective.

Joy. Pure joy...

Identity Crisis

I've been trying to get back into scrapbooking just for fun and this page was so important for me to do.

My Sebastian.

My middle child. He is so much a middle child. I worry about his self-esteem. I worry about who he will be. I want so much for him to be secure in himself. Last year in K5 I saw him struggle with this. I saw how he could lose himself to the things the world told him he was. So I have tried...really hard...to instill in him a sense of who he is and who he is supposed to be regardless of what goes on around him.

How many of us can relate to this? How many times in life have we been told that we are bad or good or loud or insensitive or...whatever... and we believe it. We grow up being told that we are a certain way and we adapt to these expectations or beliefs. Why do we do that?

No one knows us better than we know ourselves and yet somehow we succumb to our environment and the worlds' ideas of who we're supposed to be. We buy into the lie and we try to measure up somehow. Even if it's a good thing we're told--it's not always fair or easy to live up to someone else's ideas when what wants to burst from within contradicts this.

God made us who we are. He knows every fiber of our beings and why He created us with the special talents and abilities that we possess. If we are lucky enough in life to acknowledge and adapt to these gifts then we are one step ahead of the world. But when we give in to ideologies or misrepresentations then we fall flat on our faces. And we will never really succeed or be happy with anything because pretending takes so much effort.

So I look at my middle child and I imagine him trying to live up to someone else's ideas of him and I realize how much work I have to do. Some children are born with confidence and strength...but not my Chimi. He knows he is loved -- we tell him all the time. But I believe he will always struggle to find his place in this world and I am personally committed to helping him find his place...but his place, not where others want or expect him to be, but who God has put in his heart that he is. He is so special and so unique and if he grows up not realizing this, then I will not have done my job as a mother.

It isn't always easy but being a mom never is. Yet somehow I know that it is my commitment forevermore to make sure that Chimi knows and becomes all that he is supposed to be. Because I love him. And even if the rest of the world never "gets" him or really "knows" him, I do. And I hope that somehow that will be enough.